“she was very attractive, but consisted mostly of electrons boucing off of a piece of glass”
“Amnesia is one of the greatest enemies of all of us.”
“Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be safely insane. Well, I am insane so I’ll just pretend that I’m asleep.”
“I didn’t recognize you without your clothes on.”
“I saw the sniper sentencing today and thought of you.”
“if you want to get ahead in the world, annoy the people to death and then you’ll get their job becasue they’re dead from your pestering…and you wont’ be bored then…”
“Birth control makes you fat and Comcast has crappy porn.”
“Back in 2000 a Republican friend warned me that if I voted for Al Gore and he won, the stock market would tank, we’d lose millions of jobs, and our military would be totally overstretched. You know what? I did vote for Gore, he did win, and I’ll be damned if all those things didn’t come true!” - James Carville
TLD: I’m going to beat you!
Me: I think that’s against company policy…
TLD: Oh, and calling you a whore isn’t?
Me: I thought you didn’t call me a whore
TLD: No, I *totally* called you a whore.
“They’re not dumb for girls… they’re dumb for engineers.”
“If I hadn’t met you, I would’ve gotten a dog.”
“How did we get started talking about eugenics?”
“cookie monster”
“You gave me a look”
“That’s what my face does”
“He’s going to hang himself. I don’t care if he hangs down two feet or swings in the breeze. I’m going to pour gasoline on him and he’s going to light the match himself.”
enjanerd: like i would waste a fake id on watching harold and kumar go to white castle
enjanerd: if i went to the trouble of acquiring a fake with my picture on it, you can be sure i’d be out drinkin’ it up and being a skank
SPJ: mmm skank
“I will never watch “The O’Reilly Factor” because O’Reilly discriminates against fermions. Afterall, he constantly points out that his show is a no spin zone.
“(another one stolen from inpassing.org): “A four year old is a very robust system… children rarely blue-screen.” –A man in Soda Hall
—
Ah, when computer scientists become parents.
“How do you think [your kids'] politics ended up so different from yours?”
“They’re stupid?”
Roy: What’s a boathome?
Me: Uh, I don’t know. You mean, like a dock? Or a houseboat?
Roy: I don’t know. JL2 said he needed to get his boathome. What is that?
*Next day on the phone*
JL2: I didn’t say I needed to get my boathome. I said I needed to get my boat home. Get my boat and bring it home.
You know your industry is full of old fogies when this is the latest action item: “A copy of the mission statement is attached, together with Barry’s letter asking the Sections to help with obituaries, which Barry notes is the most pressing need.” It’s not just important: it’s urgent.
“I think this is the fastest these elevators have ever shown up for me.”
“I must attract the elevators… the only thing I do attract these days…”
“Don’t have sex with mean people. If someone is mean, don’t have sex with them.”
“You can’t go to law school! You’re too old; you need to start making babies!”
“Any change that would result in a node becoming its own descendant will rip a hole in the time-space continuum (or cause an error).” -Visual Basic Controls in a Nutshell
“what are you..? Some kind of geek moose with coordinate antlers?”
“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” -President George W. Bush
“nothing says friendship like getting kicked in the shins”
“If you’ll notice, I used a pdf presentation program and not Powerpoint. It runs much faster and you don’t necessarily have to have a specific program installed to run it. It also has a feature that allows you to rotate the slides upside down so it works properly on your computers here.” -Australian speaker doing a presentation for our company.
“you had friends growing up??? like plural???… i think this may pretty much sum up how we ended up where we are currently.. my favorite friends were sticks and dirt :(” -JL4
“I’m going to kill these guys, then eat their dogs and their wives.”
“I was calling you to find out your phone number.” -some dude who just called me
“Oprah: she’s just like you but black and rich. she likes good gossip and plays tricks”
“Also, all employees are reminded to look both ways before crossing the street.” Another reminder that, while I may work with smart people, smart people do stupid things.
“It’s cute when you try to use big people things… like doors.”
“It’s not fair that one candidate is a better debater than the other? One candidate used logic!”
“Would it be ironic if, while waiting in line to get a flu vaccine shot, you caught the flu?”
“hey, want to go in halfsies on a house?”
“Attention please: [The president of the company] has lost his coffee mug.”
“whats that saying? dont look a gift horse in the mouth because you cant make him drink water?”
“you can make a horse drink water, but you can’t make it bring you presents?”
“you cant put your gift horses in one basket? — you cant put a cart in front of a gift horse”
“a rolling horse gathers no cookies?”
“if only i could monte carlo my dating experiences….”
“you two-faced, hypocritical, pun-loving bitch”
Particle physicists are always trying to hold a meeting, but whenever they decide on a place, the time changes.
“my brain is a slug and you just poured salt on it”
“As long as we get to the symphony on time, I’ll be happy; I don’t care if you throw up on me.”
“Where’s your Christmas spirit, [jackhole]??”
“When I was 16, I went through this unfortunate phase where I stole baby Jesuses from nativity scenes.”
“Sprint + Nextel = Sextel”
“Experts agree: the longer it takes to build, the more it will cost.”
