Enjablog

To be-fri: Happy birthday!! :)

To everyone else: go visit her blog and leave a comment!

“A man walks into a bar with a salamander in his hand. The bartender asks, ‘Hey, what do you call that thing?’

The man replies, ‘Tiny.’

‘Tiny? Why do you call him that?’ asks the bartender.

• Psycho ipod

The man replies, ‘Because he’s my newt.’”

“The tragedy of Canada is that they had the opportunity to have French cuisine, British culture, and American technology.

Instead they ended up with British cuisine, American culture, and French technology.”

10. No estate tax for families with at least two U.S. presidents.
9. W-2 Form is now Dubya-2 Form.
8. Under the simplified tax code, your refund check goes directly to Halliburton.
7. The reduced earned income tax credit is so unfair, it just makes me want to tear out my lustrous, finely groomed hair.
6. Attorney General (John) Ashcroft gets to write off the entire U.S. Constitution.
5. Texas Rangers can take a business loss for trading Sammy Sosa.
4. Eliminate all income taxes; just ask Teresa (Heinz Kerry) to cover the whole damn thing.
3. Cheney can claim Bush as a dependent.
2. Hundred-dollar penalty if you pronounce it “nuclear” instead of “nucular.”
1. George W. Bush gets a deduction for mortgaging our entire future.

Just because Sonny brought up Cauchy in his update today:

Why did the mathematician name his dog Cauchy?
Because he left a residue at every pole.

Weapons of mass distraction stolen from NPR:

Number 10: Corporate Show Trials

Watching Martha, Ken and the Fastows doing the perp walk is a great diversion from the real crime. These show trials divert our focus to a few criminal acts from what’s really wrong — rules written by corporate lobbyists that legalized corporate tax evasion, corporate welfare, corporate pollution and looting.

Number 9: Donald Trump’s TV Show The Apprentice

It’s got us focused on Trump as this financial wizard and corporate titan — someone people would kill off their competition to work for. In real life, his casinos are on the verge of bankruptcy and receivership.

Number 8: Bush’s Anti-Gay Marriage Amendment

You’d think that marriage were somehow in imminent danger from gay infidels. But this is nothing more than a cynical wedge issue to increase the voter turnout of Christian evangelicals and cover broad failures of the Bush administration — three million jobs lost, the biggest deficits in U.S. history, a failed war in Iraq and Osama bin
Laden stronger than ever. GOP operatives manufacture a fake constitutional crisis over imaginary gay insurgents, and they aim for the brain stem so that we won’t think about the bigger failures.

Number 7: Tom Ridge’s Terror Alerts

No one knows what they mean. The last one warning that Bin Laden intends to attack this summer made no sense — except to disrupt the Kerry-Edwards rollout. They are now rolling out plans for postponing the November election if an attack occurs.

Number 6: Rush Limbaugh

He’s a masterful circus barker so skilled that he can seduce millions into surrendering their privacy rights under the USA Patriot Act. At the same time, he and the ACLU fight to keep his own medical records from a criminal drug investigation.

Number 5: Tax Cuts

The Bush administration has average Americans believing they are overtaxed and will benefit from cuts — cuts that go overwhelmingly to folk richer than them, and result in cuts in services that they need but the rich don’t.

Number 4: Ralph Nader

The only issue discussed is his “spoiler” role, the only people funding his candidacy are pro-Bush Republicans and the only outcome of his run is that the people he claims to care about — the poor and the dispossessed — will be devastated if Bush gets four more years to practice his “compassion.”

Number 3: The Cult of Celebrity and Entertainment

We’re laughing and entertaining ourselves to death. While our kids watch eight hours of TV a day, and more adults vote for the next American Idol than do for the next president, our democracy is being looted by superpower corporations and other high-octane interests.

Number 2: The Invasion of Iraq

There clearly was no reason to invade, other than to hide the fact bin Laden still hasn’t been captured, and likely to remain so — and the fact that Bush needed to kick any Arab butt he could to show that America hits back. Hussein’s butt was the only one he could safely kick, so he did. Meanwhile, the war against al Qaeda flounders while the United States diverts its resources to the Iraq quagmire.

Number 1: The Republican Convention Lineup

They’re going to dig up the few moderates (including Guiliani, Schwarzenegger, McCain and Romney) and black people they know and put them on TV, along with a whole bunch of black and Latino musical acts, to hide the real face of the GOP and its reactionary platform. The last convention looked like Saturday night at the Apollo — there were more black people on stage than in the entire convention.

Stolen:

After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks”, she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Moral of the story: Women are evil. Don’t mess with them

Cheney is talking to some 3rd graders and says, “Ok, one more question.”

Billy raises his hand: “I have three questions.
1) why does the price of gas keep going up?
2)why does halliburton keep getting all of these contracts?
and 3)what went wrong in iraq?”

Just then the lunch bell sounds and everyone goes out to eat and play. When they come back in, he says, “Ok, one more question.”

Susie raises her hand: “I have five questions.
1) why does the price of gas keep going up?
2)why does halliburton keep getting all of these contracts?
3)what went wrong in iraq?
4)why did the lunch bell sound 20 minutes early?
and 5)where is billy?”

Another blog entry brought to you by Roy.

Sent to me by Roy — U.S. memo freed Bush from bans on torture: “Another memorandum obtained by the Times indicates that most of the administration’s top lawyers, with the exception of those at the State Department and the Joint Chiefs of Staff, approved of the Justice Department’s position that the Geneva conventions did not apply to the war in Afghanistan.”

On an unrelated note…

Q.: How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?
A.: SEVEN.

- One to deny that a lightbulb needs to be replaced,
- One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the lightbulb,
- One to blame Clinton for the need of a new lightbulb,
- One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of lightbulbs,
- One to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a lightbulb,
- One to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the lightbulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag,
- And finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country.

Spent yesterday evening out livin’ it up with the Intwine boys and attachments. Congrats to them for making it through their second year and almost tripling the number of people in the company. :) Yay! Wooo! Dinner was in Georgetown overlooking the waterfront. Didn’t get a chance to go out and get a good look at the boats milling about, but saw a couple of them from the window. :) Anyway, spent the evening at the doober. They gave out presents! Fudge from the fudge guy in the town center. For everyone except me, that is… Cookies! :) They know me so well. Granted, SPJ and ITP together didn’t know if I like peanuts or coconut… But they decided cookies were a safe bet. Smart boys they are. And by the end of the evening, I had ended up with a box of cookies and two boxes of fudge. I’m not quite sure how I managed that. But that’s ok.

Spent this morning/afternoon watching Gilmore Girls: The Complete First Season. Ok, so maybe not the whole first season today. But made some good progress through the second DVD. The rest of the afternoon was phone catchup and reading/nap time. Went over to HOY after I got up from my nap. Played some weird frog game with my sis. It was like golf on crack. I got a “frog-in-one” after landing in water, swimming to shore, jumping backwards to eat a fly, landing in the water and swimming in the wrong direction toward the start, getting picked up by a fish and brought back to shore the way i wanted to go, landing in a pterodactyl nest, getting picked up by the pterodactyl, who then proceeded to fly around collecting points, and then getting dropped into the hole. Like I said, weird game. Fun though. AND they gave me cookies. That they didn’t like, but whatever. Peanut-butter cookies with raspberry jelly on them. Cookies for me. :)

After that, went out to see Shrek 2 with ITP. Very worth seeing. Well, if you liked the first one. If not, then maybe you wouldn’t like this one either. Also, stay for the credits. There’s a doober that’s pretty amusing.

So, sitting down at dinner earlier this week, there are these guys at the table behind us talking about computer stuff (being dumb [and creepy] about it, but that’s beside the point). In any case, I was asked if I’m ever out somewhere, like a restaurant or something, and I overhear people having a conversation about designing boats and saying things that are incorrect. Whoa whoa… come again? Out and overhear a conversation about boats? Right or wrong, the only time I’ve had that happen is if a SNAME conference is in town. And even then, they’re probably people in our group who got separated and had to sit at a table across an aisle from us. Maybe I work in a kind of small field though. I mean, not unheard of small, but… relatively uncommon at the very least. So, no; that does not happen to me often. Or ever. :) -J.

Relief: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.
Subdued: like a guy, like works on one of those, like, submarines, man!

Current book: Snow Crash

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper, “Hello.”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your mommy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle….”ME”

Misty: How golfers create divots.
Paradox: Two physicians
Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
Polarize: What arctic bears see with.
Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.