Look Me in the Eye
by John Elder Robison:
When we are young, our brains are constantly developing, making new connections and changing the way we think. As I recall my own development, I can see how I went through periods where my ability to focus inward and do complex calculations in my mind developed rapidly. When that happened, my ability to solve complex technical or mathematical problems increased, but I withdrew from other people. Later, there were periods where my ability to turn toward other people and the world increased by leaps and bounds. At those times, my intense powers of focused reasoning seemed to diminish.
I am reminded of a book I read as a teenager, Flowers for Algernon. Scientists took a retarded janitor and made him a genius, but it didn’t last. His brilliance faded away before his eyes. That’s how I feel sometimes, looking back at the creative engineering I’ve done. Those designs were the fruit of a part of my mind that is no longer with me.
I know I already mentioned this book a few days ago, but I just finished it and I was stunned by this passage. I’ve been reminded of Flowers for Algernon numerous times over the past few years. I can feel my memory failing me, my brain slowing down. I remember things incorrectly or not at all. I get appointments, dates, and times mixed up. I have to write things down and go back to reference these notes much more than I used to. I’m slower to do calculations in my head or solving problems or puzzles.
College was socially challenging for me. I didn’t make many new friends. Most of the people I hung out with, I knew from high school. Others, I only hung out with after attending 2-3 years of classes with them. I didn’t get invited to parties often, nor did I go when I was invited. I almost always had a boyfriend around, because that made me feel like I was “normal.” But in retrospect, it encouraged me to be socially lazy. I had a close group of friends, I had a boyfriend, and I was busy with classes. Why would I bother wasting time going out?
For a good percentage of college, I was happy though. I thrived. I was learning a lot and I had good reason to stay introverted. It was ok for me to be different because intelligence is a good thing in academia. It evens the playing field.
In the past couple years, I’ve been more social at work and have been going out to happy hours. I get invited to go out to do something at least weekly. At first, I felt like I had to have a good excuse not to go or be seen as rude. Or I would go even when I didn’t want to and just stand around being awkward. I’ve worked so hard at fitting in and passing as normal. I can even manage passable small talk these days.
But for all the effort, it doesn’t make me happy and I can feel myself losing my mental faculties. I think I would rather be smart. And intellectually, even I recognize that I’m not supposed to feel like that and especially not tell people that. But I’m saying it anyway.
One of the things I miss most from Old Life is the HOY. It was one of the first places where I could hang out without feeling awkward. I think we were all very similar socially and possibly all Aspergian to some extent. It was ok if I just wanted to go over and play video games with them or even if I went over to borrow the dog instead of interacting with the humans. It was ok to bring a book over and read because then, technically, I wasn’t sitting at home alone being anti-social. I was out of the house, with a group, being anti-social. That’s “normal.” And I never felt like I overstayed my welcomes because it was acceptable for someone to say, “It’s time for you to go home now,” and it wasn’t rude and no one’s feelings would get hurt. It was just a statement of fact.
I never drank when I was in college. I would just tell people I wasn’t old enough and no one would press. I usually didn’t drink when hanging with the HOY crowd either. I didn’t have a problem not drinking around people before. But after I started drinking casually with people, I find that there’s more peer pressure to drink now than when people were getting stupid drunk all the time in school. It’s part of networking; it’s how professionals interact. I don’t really enjoy it.
I think I’ve veered severely off topic now. In any case, this was an excellent book. And while the author strove to fit in with people to find happiness, I think I want to find people who get me. I’m tired of learning how to read people and how to converse with them. I know well enough how to be polite and how to blend into a crowd. That should be enough. I want to be me again.
download Murder in the First
